Today’s topic comes from Lawrence University’s school newspaper. I can hear your thoughts, as they were the same as mine when I stumbled upon this; ‘What the fuck is a Lawrence University?’ It’s apparently some tiny liberal arts college in Wisconsin, the state that seems to be racing to become the bottom of the barrel with its need to give credence to every single moronic idea that social justice has concocted. I wish I could say I was surprised, but it is the current year, after all. Let’s dive in, shall we?

This will end well.

I’m always amazed that social justice warriors can be involved with something that triggers them to the point of rage, and still be emotionally compromised hours later. Perhaps I have some undiagnosed form of ADHD that I should be on some kind of medication for, but for all the ranting and raving and blow-hard behaving I do, I have never been able to stay irritated for hours, let alone fourteen of them. Maybe it took this lass fourteen hours to write what amounts to three paragraphs and she kept adding to her piece while leaving and returning, thus refueling her hatred. If that’s the case, maybe she should focus on her education rather than getting really butt-mad about nothing.

Another thing I want to note before moving on: there is no such thing as verbal assault. I’m sure some legal scholars will come and try to prove me wrong, which is silly because if they simply opened up their legal definitions books, they’d know the term is not assault, it’s ‘abuse’. You can’t assault someone with words because the term ‘assault’ specifically describes a physical altercation. This is yet another one of those weasel methods that social justice crusaders use to validate their bullshit and attempt to establish some sort of legal precedent all while destroying the language. It likens people saying mean things that these crusaders don’t like hearing (because they have emotions as strong as wet toilet paper and egos as tough as sugar glass) to actual violence, thus allowing them to trample all over actual rights in favor of creating their personal Minecraft house of laws and codes that are to be forced on everyone else.

This sounds like you’re lying.

I will give this lass, Sabrina Conteh, credit for one thing: she’s great at getting readers to imagine exactly what Tumblr sounds like if it were able to be personified. I can just hear the valley girl/Becky in the opening line; ‘Oh my gawd, so, like, last night, I totally went to this fucking stupid, like, movie thing and it was, like, totally filled with just super gross people!’ That probably wasn’t what she intended, as her prose clearly indicates that she wants us to be outraged on her behalf while simultaneously applauding her for being ‘so brave’ and going into a ‘den of oppression’. Love how she has to compare white people who don’t agree with her dumb stances ‘white terrorists’ in an attempt to legitimize her nonsense because people on modern society are super-sensitive to anything, especially terrorism and it being on the rise. Also, what the hell is the purpose of the ‘on training wheels’ bit? You’d think someone studying to be an English major would know of words like ‘fledgling’, ‘newbie’, ‘neophyte’ or the other hundred that describe someone being new to something. I get that the phrase ‘training wheels’ is colloquially used for that purpose, but it’s a bad phrase in general and all it makes any person with a brain that can rub two cells together to create just enough heat to generate a thought is think of bicycles. Now I want to go mountain biking and it’s raining out, thanks a lot.

But is it, though?

I’m not showcasing it here, but this girl writes in the longest paragraphs with some of the worst structure and grammar I’ve ever come across. I’m truly flabbergasted that someone who cannot use commas properly, something I learned before junior high and then was later taught in greater detail in 8th grade, got accepted to any university anywhere and is the leader of anything. This is why I hate liberal arts colleges; it takes no effort to start one up and there is little to no effort put into assuring the students it chooses to accept and graduates are high quality. I know I’m painting with a broad brush here, and that what’s coming next is rehash, but I’ve never met someone that comes from a strictly liberal arts background that I have completely enjoyed. That isn’t to say STEM folks are better, just that they’re far easier to understand and communicate with because they don’t spend their time inventing problems to solve with new methodology every fucking time.

Moving on, I call bullshit on Sabrina’s line of ‘offensive comedy is one thing’. There have been a number of news articles involving comedians being offensive in recent years and then getting lambasted for it because people like this nutter find nothing except people they don’t agree with, especially white dudes, getting hurt in some way. Also, as a brown man who has questionable parentage that may include some degree of black blood, fuck you for speaking for me. I regularly preach that my life, and the vast majority of population’s individual lives, don’t matter. Most lives don’t matter because most people don’t grow up to radically change the world.  More importantly, ‘black and brown bodies’? What the hell is wrong with you, lady? Suddenly we’re not people anymore, which is hysterical considering the entire purpose of your rant is to push the retarded idea that ‘BLACK AND BROWN PEOPLE ARE PEOPLE, TOO’. I also have yet to see you explain how the movie you were watching was pushing the agenda of ‘white nationalism’, which leads me to believe you are lying about this claim.

 This seems quite hyperbolic, ma’am.

If anyone says a phrase like ‘head nationalist in charge’, you automatically know they are a bottom-of-the-barrel human who you shouldn’t spend your time on, as nobody with a proper understanding of the world and the intellect/wisdom to succeed in it would say something like this. It is an assumptive claim coming from a place of emotion that is also bigoted; it really can’t get much worse than that.

I had a really hard time processing this on the first few reads, partially because I cut this up awkwardly, but also because it’s just so mind-numbingly stupid and incoherent. This entire introductory paragraph is specifically written, even if it’s being done in the subconscious by the author,  in a way that forces the reader to agree with the author. You can see this in the ‘If I did not obey’ line; it’s written like an emotionally impassioned speech, where the audience is simply captivated by the oration and not thinking about how grammatically incorrect and linguistically poor the speech’s foundation is. The reason this works with speeches is because you have a personality to tie to the oration; words can’t exude emotion, people can. It’s much more difficult to do in writing because it requires actual work and use of literary techniques to pull off; you can’t simply captivate via words because the audience doesn’t know the voice of the author or his/her speaking style.

I know English teachers and English majors will call bullshit on this, since one of the cruxes is to teach people to find their authorial voice, but go ahead and write a speech from the ground up, completely impromptu, and see how good it sounds orated. Helpful hint: it will sound like fucking garbage. If the two had a one:one translation, one of the styles would have become the dominant style of communication long ago. Speaking doesn’t require setup for its payoff, whereas writing does. The difference is that a speech can go wrong in an instant, regardless of scripting and practice, whereas writing can be drafted over and will always end at a finished product that pales in comparison to the first draft.

Lastly, it’s telling that Sabrina ends on the ‘couldn’t see as as black or brown people’, because that’s what modern social justice crusading is about: drawing hard lines in the sand. I’ve said it before, but the people who are from this crowd tend to come from households that are either well-off or two steps away from broken down. The latter join social justice movements because they actually need it, whereas the former do so because they are bored and have not had their egos properly stepped on like a normal human does during their formative years. That sounds really harsh, but it’s a damn necessity because it keeps people from growing up thinking that they will shit diamonds forever, no matter what they do, and that their existence is a grace to the world. More to the point of this topic, nobody should be seeing any color in any body other than to recognize that someone has a certain skin color. Skin color doesn’t determine human worth or validity.

 It seems the film’s title was spot on.

The title is missing an obvious question mark, but that’s probably because this lass was still hotter than the surface of the sun when writing this. As for the actual content, I’m honestly finding it hard to say anything because it’s so on the nose; Conteh is upset because she doesn’t find the statements or the situation funny, and that’s because she bought into the tenets of modern social justice early on when she should have been out doing things and not sitting at a desk behind a computer reading Tumblr. I guess this is the only logical conclusion for a child to reach when you get sent off to private school that costs $38.5K a year that also proclaims that it focuses on social justice. It’s also baffling how half of their science and math based courses are extremely high level, some being sophomore college-level courses, yet have the most ridiculous pre-requisite structuring that would never give the students the proper knowledge to succeed. Then again, when the school allows for the breaking of the student-teacher hierarchy by allowing the students to call their teachers by first name, equating a trained and educated professional with years of experience to someone going through adolesence who has almost zero experience with the topics in the classroom, it’s pretty easy to see how things can go wrong. Plus, their school mascot is a fucking grasshopper; are you kidding me?

Also, the fuck is ‘generalized power’? My English and Language teachers from junior high through college would have laughed me out of the building upon reading this. I could have commented on this at any point, since the entire rant reads exactly like this paragraph, but this paragraph is full of these five-syllable, ten dollar words that social justice and its branch movements have this unhealthy penchant for using so that they can completely cloud the reader’s judgment and get the audience to think the the writer has both intelligence and a point. This is the kind of shit politicians do when they attempt to dodge or give a non-answer answer to a question, and it infuriates the average person because we are not that stupid. We can see what you’re doing, and we know why you’re doing it: to hide the fact you know fuck all of what you’re talking about. I shouldn’t have to explain that, but it’s become a necessity with these ‘socially aware’ shit-wits who think that, because they read every single edition of Wordly Wise front to back and now have a vocabulary as big as their ego, they now sit atop the mountain and have the right to look down upon the rest of society as if we’re ants. If this is the kind of education you get from the ages of 14-18 at nearly forty-thousand a year, your parents should probably dump your dumb-ass into public school, and you are solidly middle-upper and have no business complaining about ‘victimization’, you privileged douche.

Should’ve probably read that Wikipedia article where you clearly got his name from, hon.

Name dropping is always the first sign someone lives via virtue-signalling. If this girl was doing important shit, she wouldn’t use Lenny Bruce’s actual name in an OP-ED rant piece in a school newspaper. You do those thing when writing something that is either going to be placed in a professional journal, or is going to be graded, and you do it because it’s the standard procedure. Also, as someone who loves Lenny Bruce’s work and is a massive fan of stand-up comedy in general, the whole ‘he got arrested for speaking his mind’ tripe is just that. The man regularly got caught for drugs and scams. Yeah, he riffed on that shit all the time and it’s fucking hysterical, but that doesn’t mean he didn’t do it. Everyone always acts like Bruce walked on water, when the reality is that if he weren’t able to turn his shit-fits into comedy bits, he would be a total scum lord. Of course, it’s natural for a moralizing moron to ignore this because it doesn’t fit the narrative; fuck facts, we’ve got pins to sell!

I’ve said it before, but you can always tell someone is a dunce if they start sentences with the word ‘but’. I mentioned the conversationalist tone before, and why it’s highly frowned upon, and this is why. Being conversationalist in writing as your only mode means you can’t put out high quality arguments without them coming across as fragmented and disjointed to the audience. It forces the reader to mentally stop-&-go when it’s completely unnecessary, and such an action immediately takes the reader out of the topic being discussed. Conversationalistic writing would be perfectly fine if it still tethered itself to standards and rules of proper writing, and this is a PEBKAC issue rather than a language issue. I’m a terrible writer, but if you were to go back and read all of my work, you’d be able to effortlessly tell that the tone is bending towards being a conversation between you and I, yet is still grounded in every rule that the average high school graduate in the United States would know how to employ. Sure, I have a massive vocabulary myself, and am verbose as fuck, but I’d challenge anyone to find an instant where my word choice doesn’t feel natural, or my paragraph setups and sentence structure is not fluid.

Anyways, women do choose useless majors. Here’s some data NPR was kind enough to compile and present from 2014, when they weren’t swirling down the toilet, on this very subject. Women generally pick college majors that are in the humanities and social sciences. These fields of study, while noble, do little to nothing to advance our understanding of the world at large, and do not push the human race further. Toss your bias aside and ask yourself if knowing the greatest works of French authors and the French language is going to make alternative energy sources efficient. There’s no way it can, statistically speaking, because the only way this would be achieved would be you simply being able to translate for a French person who could solve the problem, at which point you’re just a middle-man who is still not actively helping solve the actual problem. Our world needs people to solve and push technological and scientific barriers, not people who specialize in making everyone feel special and wanted.

As for the person who called this lass a cunt, that kinda sucks, I guess? I mean, she still hasn’t explained why, but you generally don’t get C-bombed for being polite, so I would hazard a supposition that this girl was being obnoxious during the movie and people who wanted to actually be there were fed up with her, this guy being one of them. I’m also assuming it’s a guy; it could very well be a girl, but the author’s continued used of ‘white supremacist’ leads me to believe that whomever was telling her to pipe down was a pale dude, and she’s not Caucasian. Regardless, the point is that it’s a movie showing, and if you’re being obnoxious during the showing, then you should get heckled and kicked out, as you would in a regular theater. This is common sense stuff, man.

Yeah, it is just you.

Wow, following up an ellipses with a capital as if the sentence ended and beginning that sentence with a conjunction. Your high school fucking sucks and the city of D.C. should be ashamed it exists within its borders. I’ve never seen that moment during a conversation where the someone has to stop and actually process their thoughts before responding occur in written form until now.

Also, called it for the heckling; you can’t make this shit up. Kid, it’s not an open forum, it’s a fucking movie showing. See above for my logical and correct response to this, but to expand on it: you would get kicked out from any place for this kind of behavior. Being disruptive in a setting that is not technically considered public (i.e. owned wholly by the government) is grounds for the persons who own the establishment, or who are running the event, to cart your fat ass out of there. It’s not a freedom issue, as that doesn’t apply (something you’d know if your high school education was worth a damn), it’s a fiscal one. You were being rude, rude people suck and rude people cause other people discomfort, sometimes enough for patrons to leave. If you had a restaurant and some person came in and started yelling for service, treating your waitstaff like shit, and harassing other customers, you’d kick them out, too.

Additionally, our author finally now decides to tell us what the hell went down, after completely setting up her side of the story to paint her as a goddamn martyr, even though she was being a douche-canoe. No bad tactics, only bad targets, it seems.

Oh god, my sides.

‘Chimed in’ my ass. You were busy slagging off the movie the entire time you were there, and you know this. That’s why you had to preface this complete non-incident with so much grand-standing and mud-slinging; it’s because you’re fully aware that you were being a piece of disruptive trash, and that your removal from the screening was completely warranted. If it wasn’t, you would have focused on the points instead going rogue with your argument.

I love when I hear a black person call another black person an ‘Uncle Tom’, because it tells me that the first black person has never actually read Uncle Tom’s Cabin. The story is written in such a way that it portrays the southerners, who owned slaves, as generally good people that, in the context of the story, have to make very hard decisions which directly contrast with their positive dispositions towards their slaves, a relationship which is mutual. The northerners are depicted as the ones who are racist and, at least from the standpoint of ethics and morality, are the ones who are backwards. This is both true and ironic, considering that the North was seen as the historically more open and ethical compared to the closed-minded South; on a personal note, it’s ironic to me that social justice culture was essentially spawned in California and the Northeast, whereas that shit wouldn’t fly in most of the South, and not because ‘DA WHITE PEEPOLS WANNA KEEP BEIN’ RACIS’, but because the South isn’t as behind as is believed. Most importantly, the protagonist Tom was written to be the epitome of modern Christian teachings, to the point that he forgives his shitty slave-owner towards the end of the novel for beating the ever-living fuck out of him, which causes them to see the light and change their ways.

In summation, the only way the whole ‘black man selling out to the white man’ angle works is if you ignore the entire message and plot points in the story and assume that Tom being a victim of circumstances is his own choice, which is fucking retarded since anyone who has cracked open a history book about the United States would know that slaves did not have any legal rights, and if they did have what we’d call ‘rights, it was because they had a great owner who wasn’t a bag of dicks. Thus, if you call a black person an ‘Uncle Tom’, you’re a moron of the highest magnitude that doesn’t know the acclaimed literary work you’re referencing, or US history.

What is truth?

Hon, if you had written properly structured and coherent piece where this accusation was posed at the outset and then backed up by evidence, I would probably believe you. However, as it currently stands that you’re bringing this up in what is essentially paragraph six (seeing as you can’t use carriage returns properly), I have no confidence that your claim of this one member being drunk is valid. I also don’t have confidence because you put that fucking asterisk there as if you’re trying to maintain this dude’s anonymity, only for you to include it at the end of your tirade. This is a bitch move used by Tumblristas and feminista bloggers who would rather be reactionary and vindictive than as objective and correct as possible. It’s essentially the same thing that high school drama-fishing whores do when they name drop someone at the end of their story; the purpose is to piss you off so you play the knight for them, which is exactly what they’re looking for.

Also, how can you stop a film with ‘literal glee’? The improper use of the word literal is enough for us to tell Sabrina is full of shit here, but as the sentence stands, it means that this Chris Wand was so happy that it caused the stream of the movie to halt. This is an impossibility, and so we can confirm that our ‘heroine’ is being deceptive, though just reading through her rage would have been enough.

Ooooooooh, so scary! #jazzhands

What a way to end this wild ride, and what a gold mine to end it on. My theory that Sabrina took forever to write this because she was so butt-mad, which directly led to the rant’s poor quality is effectively confirmed, and we close the door on one more moral grand-standing asshat who thinks acting like a faggot in public and doing fagacious things is perfectly okay because they stand up for ‘TEH OPRESSUHD’. There are so many good lines in here that are bordering on meme worthy, like ‘I’m blown’ and ‘I love myself’, the latter especially because it comes out of nowhere. It’d be like having a conversation with someone and it’s going along like a normal conversation would, until the person you’re talking with says, ‘Man, I’m great.’ What do you say to that? Plus, in context of the article, the sentence implies that Miss Sabrina Conteh loves the fact that she is an absolute cock of a person. She could have stayed home and not gone to the showing, but she made the decision to not just go, but to go and ruin it for everyone else to ‘stop the patriarchy’ or ‘fight for oppressed people’ or ‘fight facism’ or ‘end white supremacy’ or some other incorrectly used buzzword that these addled assholes use.

The threat is the icing on the cake. Lawrence will probably do something, because Sabrina will kick up a fucking shit-storm over not being catered to, even though she’s entirely at fault and deserves nothing but reprimand. In my heart of hearts, I hope they don’t just like I hope every university doesn’t bend over for every floating leaf in the breeze. The words and actions these shit-heels take are ineffective at best, and actual displays of acute autism and psychopathy at worst. I could not give less of a fuck because a university like Lawrence will fold in on itself within the century if it indeed decides to let the professionally offended run rampant on its grounds, and even if this really bothered me to my core, this is one more footnote in the eventual book that kids will read in the 2100s that will tell of how goddamn stupid civilization became despite being full of unbelievable wonder.

In closing, eat a dick, Sabrina. You’re twenty-one right now, based on the information I was able to dig up on you via five-second searches. That means you have a minimum of one year of a safety net left before you’re forced out into the real world and you find out how actual people who aren’t indoctrinated into academic psycho-babble designed to make its readers feel important rather than do important things feel about your whinging. Enjoy it while it lasts, because as someone who’s been in the workforce since that age until recently, I would kill to have the privilege to fuck about and do whatever I want twenty-four seven.