The other day, I was reading some nonsense on Elite Daily because I like to torture myself on occasions. Nothing was out of the ordinary; I was shaking my head at how awful the layout of the website was, the shittiness of the prose and how anyone could possibly get a job while being an objectively terrible writer. As I dug more through Lauren Martin’s, the author of the linked article, backlog, I hit me: solid writing is on its way out in favor of whatever this new garbage is.

Being someone who has been writing for almost two decades now and could write circles around these full grown adults when I was ten, I was naturally both incensed and disappointed with how society is completely in favor of simply consuming things and media rather than tasting them, ruminating on them and enjoying the entire experience of the consumption, the reaction, the rumination and final opinion. All things must be now simply inhaled as if our brains and mouths are some combination device that’s one half vacuum and one half megaphone; everything is simply sucked in with no regard for what it is and then exhaled out in an aural wall, usually one of complete dissonance.

To prove my point, I decided to do some grade-school level statistics on miss Martin’s work at Elite Daily, which consists of two-hundred fifty articles across four-hundred seventy-one days; if you look at her quick bio page (if it can even be called a ‘bio’) on Elite Daily, she’s apparently written around six-hundred fifty articles. I’m not sure if she’s counting her work prior to Elite Daily or if that’s only at Elite Daily, but if we take the amount of articles she’s written on the website across the time period we know she’s written for Elite Daily, we get that she writes approximately 53.08% of an article a day. To get a better picture of that, I sampled ten percent of her work (twenty-five articles, for the mathematically retarded i.e. the kind of people that Lauren Martin would hang out with), and the amount of words per article average out to around eight-hundred fifty-three words. That means that every day, she writes four-hundred fifty two words per day.

As someone who is stupidly verbose, I couldn’t begin to churn out that many words if I tried. I average around five-thousand words per article, including pictures and excluding quotes and captions, so to average that volume, I would need to add nearly two-thousand words to my future articles to make up for the lack of volume in what I’ve previously written. I haven’t scourged the rest of the web that is simply aggregate style writing, but I would hazard a guess that most of these authors average around a three-hundred to five-hundred words per day. Truly, I have to tip my hat to the sheer volumetric flow rate that these people are typing at.

However, any person worth their salt knows that a huge number of something doesn’t matter if it isn’t important, and here is where we’re going to look through some of Lauren’s backlog to cement my earlier claim. To any aspiring writers male or female, do yourself and the world a favor and don’t be like any the examples that will follow.Also, take a good fucking picture of yourself to put into your short ‘About Me’ sections. I bring this up only because I see so many photos of these ‘writers’ and they’re clearly coming from cell phones that don’t have good cameras and make these morons look like they have chronic jaundice. It’s even worse when these hapless ass-hats always make some kind of pose or face in an effort to showcase some specific mood or emotion because it never looks like what they’re going for and they almost always look like a tool. If you’re going to do something, do it right and don’t half-ass it.

Man, I wish I got all that free stuff.

Boy, I bet it sucks that the push from second-wave feminism to modern third-wave feminism effectually ruined most of those nice life amenities that you ladies used to enjoy simply for having a vagina. Now you unattractive girls know what it feels like to be nearly every man in the world: nobody gives a shit about you and your inane problems and asinine take on the world; get back to your desk and do your fucking job. I say unattractive because attractive women still don’t have to do anything in this world. I would also include attractive men here, but it really only applies to professional models and, even in that small crowd, that statement wouldn’t be accurate since they’re, you know, men and have to have talents outside of washboard six-packs. Also, nobody dresses up for dinners anymore because society has become far more casual. If you want us to dress up, you better fucking do it too and you better think of a place to eat that isn’t some turnpike nonsense like Chili’s or, god forbid, the fucking Cheesecake Factory.

Salt: The Screencap

This is the most projection I’ve ever seen, and most of what I comment on are thinly-veiled projection pieces. There are many reasons that you aren’t getting courted, but I’ll list a few:

• You espouse ideals that are common with third-wave feminism, and many men (and people in general) are turned off by these ideals which, generally speaking, are highly radical and cause more problems than they claim they will solve
• You are cold or abrasive, either because that’s how you’re wired, because of your past experiences with guys in a bar scene, or because of the above statement; my guess is a combination of these three
• Modern feminism and social justice causes are consistently pushing for men to leave women the fuck alone and if they don’t, they are degenerates, they are perverts, they are creeps and they are probably rapists. This has caused men to become gun-shy and even helped the creation of ‘Lad’ culture
• You aren’t an enjoyable person to talk to. I can’t imagine why not.
• You have your bar set obscenely high for your partner and obscenely low for you. Considering the fact that you tweet about wanting to run around in sweatpants and leggings twenty-four seven and not wear actual clothes because they ‘aren’t comfortable’ or other gem-filled statements, yet implicitly demand to be wined and dined all the time by any random man, it’s no wonder you can’t find a partner.
• You’re unattractive or, worse than that, unattractive and think you are exceedingly attractive. The vast majority of people do not like vain morons with Jupiter-sized egos. Self-reflection, bitch; do some of it.

Hint, if you keep giving your number out yet nobody calls you back, it’s not them, it’s you. God forbid people work on themselves to be more attractive to the opposite sex.

Again, could you project any more?

I said it already, but much of this has to do with how society has been influenced by radical sections of social justice and feminist ideals. Those ideals threw classical masculine behaviors out the window in favor of whatever shit you ladies wanted at that second, and men obliged because we like tits and ass. It took a few decades, but now some of us are wising up to the fact you want the benefits of being a guy while also having the benefits of being a woman while also trampling on men and relegating them to a corner in the smallest available box you have. In short, fuck you, you started this shit, now reap the seeds you’ve sown.

Nope. Stop lying.

This is beta-person behavior, not ‘male’ behavior or the behavior of ‘men’. Either that, or these guys are experience some sort of buyer’s remorse, probably because they were drunk at the time and were talking to a grenade complete with tons of baggage that she drops on every guy or girl the second she feels even semi-comfortable talking to them. They could also truly just have forgotten since men are required to have lives outside of the bar/club scene or are just crushing so much puss that they don’t have time for you. Yes, you; you’ve been projecting the entire time, Lauren. Stop acting like your audience is addled.

You mean the ‘teeange girl’, not a ‘new breed’ of men.

As someone who could easily be classified as a ‘mama’s boy’ yet is exactly the kind of guy you and your ilk get your panties wet over, you’re a moron and you need to stop painting with a broad brush. A guy being raised mostly by his mother doesn’t mean we’re terrified of making the first move; you need to stop fishing at the bottom of the goddamn barrel you low-class basic bitch.

This is why you pay attention in History class.

No. For the better part of hundreds of thousands of years, women have been able to simply exist and, for the vast majority of time, that was enough. There was no ‘being the shooter and the target’ nonsense; you were simply a target and while I can appreciate that being viewed as a trophy is degrading, you women brought this on yourselves when you told us to stop thinking of you as trophies. Now you’re pissed because you have to actually play the fucking field like men have been doing for centuries and you have a fucking barrel buyer’s remorse; suck it up, hon, and cast another line. There’s over eight-billion people out there and I’m sure there’s someone stupid enough to want to be with you.

I love the ‘they’ve simply forgotten how to play’ as if we had been playing the game wrong the entire time. We haven’t, you guys just fucked the rules up and now it’s like playing Calvinball, except the way the game unfolds is never fun and anytime we get close to a win condition, you move the goal-posts like Hobbes.

Fucking hysterical.

Noah Calhoun and Augustus Waters are not masculine in the slightest. Not only that, but you’ve effectively shown your hand since you idolize men who are, by every definition of the word, overly-sensitive and toe the beta-line extremely closely. I’m not saying they don’t have characteristics that can be taken away, just that letting a girl walk all over you and pining for her after decades is a fucking exactly what you’re complaining about, and yet you are praising it. The Notebook is awful and The Fault in Our Stars is just fucking pathetic. Seriously, all these teenagers have cancer and they all go to support groups and all the cancers these kids have are ridiculously rare and terminal and they all meet each other and are all adult enough to handle their statistically impossible situations with the maturity of middle-aged people? Fuck you.What’s even worse is that after that goddamn movie came out, tons of dipshit tweens were saying how these made-up people were ‘brave’ and how characters like ‘Gus’ and ‘Isaac’ were ‘strong and amazing’ for ‘living without a leg’ and ‘being blind’. Glad that you’re worshiping make-believe anomalies instead of trying to actively help end these terrible medical conditions and help make real blind people see and real amputees ambulate again. If I were Hank Green, I would be ashamed that my brother had to concoct such an unbelievable scenario just to get people to buy his shitty teen romance novel.

Again, you are lying. Stop doing that.

Lauren, I can guarantee you never put yourself out there based on what I call the ‘Chihuahua Principle’. This notion postulates that the less threatening or confident a person is physically and mentally, the more noise they will make and more dirt they will kick up as a smokescreen to hide their lack of confidence or threatening presence. The fact that you have to self-censor your curse words despite writing for an article dumping ground like Daily Elite is more than proof that you are a prime example of the Chihuahua Principle.

Also, just to blow your fucking theory out of the water, I have never had a girl walk up to me at a bar once, so no, you girls don’t ‘put yourselves out there’. You are lying and you need to stop.

My mom said she could beat up your mom.

I like how she says ‘select few’ as if the previous few hundred words haven’t been her lambasting all men and all mothers and as if she had a great mother herself. Lauren, if I were your mom, I would be fucking ashamed that my daughter spent her time being an insufferable cunt on the Internet, not having a real job and still expecting guys to fawn over her like she’s goddamn Aphrodite. I would also be ashamed my daughter was stupid enough to think all women can be approached the same, like they’re some kind of algebraic equation and not a over-complicated, multi-dimensional differential equation with variant boundary conditions.

Tinder, el oh el.

All I got out of this is ‘I’m not a mildly attractive or even cute girl. Why are all my Tinder dates not wanting to stuff it in me?’ The reason is because there is someone better than you. Hell, even my insufferable ex is better than you.

Unintentional comedy gold.

I followed the link to the Nickelodeon ‘study’, but I can’t find any actual numbers so I’m calling bullshit on this. I frankly think they just took the number of households that watched, pulled the numbers of houses owned by a family from that point and assumed that the parents who were watching were only men and were over forty while the women were under forty. You can see I’m just speculating like crazy here, but since there’s no hard study I can find, that’s all I’m left to do. The article originally was reported by SWNS, and has tons of great quotes to further this garbage agenda-driven viewpoint. As for the Pew Research Center link, all people of Generation-Y and Millenials (Millenials are kids born in the mid-90s, you clod) are marrying later on. It’s part of both modern women’s and men’s cultures. You are grasping at straws so hard that they’re going to break. Get on a treadmill and try not to be such a twat, because those are the clear reasons I can see why you aren’t getting any dick.

Article #1 was sure fun and I’m in the zone, so let’s get into number 2:

Quality writing.

I know you’re IQ is solidly in the double digits, Lauren, but a penis doesn’t stay hard 24/7. In order to know what it’s like to have a dick, you have to actually have had a real penis that functions like a real penis, not a dildo screwed into some weird leg-strap holster thing; I don’t know how strap-ons work, eat me.

Oh, wow. I don’t have to say anything.

I don’t understand why so many of these ‘writers’ are so unintentionally funny; I guess when they shut their brains off or tunnel vision on their inadequacies and faults, they lose their self-righteousness, their pomp and their general insufferability and become sort-of enjoyable people. Maybe not that much, but at least mildly comedic.

Since you’ve never had a penis and clearly don’t get laid enough so you’ve had to resort to multiple dildos, real dicks don’t pulsate. I still don’t get why you’re self-censoring, especially since you’re just taking out the goddamn vowel. If you want to say fuck, just fucking say fuck you fucking fuck. I also don’t know what in the hell you mean by ‘pronoun carrier’, considering women have a pronoun all to themselves; it’s ‘she’, you linguistic failure.

Yeah, those are the reasons…

I’m so confused by this bit. Is she saying that women have faked things ‘occurring to them’ for thousands of years? Wouldn’t that imply that women simply know all the things to know in the universe, which would be a hilariously incorrect implication? Is she saying that for thousands of years, women have been faking having penises? How would you fake that? I know sex toys have existed for eons, but rocks, just like plastic, can’t fluctuate in size, exude heat or are filled with blood vessels that make them work properly. Is this some shitty joke of faking orgasms? More importantly, Lauren is basically saying she had this exact epiphany:

‘ How exactly am I going to go about feeling like a man? I could find a friend who’s great with make-up to make me look like a guy and I could put on a voice. No, that’s too much work. Well, I could get medication, but that’s too expensive… I know! I can just lie!’

How is this a healthy or normal thought as Lauren is clearly trying to imply here? Also, the fact that you know of an entire store dedicated to vibrators and products that pride themselves on giving you the ‘tinglies’ in near-secrecy tells me two things about you:

1. You are a confirmed, sexless uggo; fucking called it.
2. You have this page either bookmarked or on your ‘Google Top Ten’ or whatever that thing that pops up when you open a new browser window. That only happens if you visit that site a lot, which means you have way too many sex toys, giving me more proof for #1 and more proof that you are probably insane.

Finally, why did you drop that website in there with such confidence? That is the last fucking thing I’d be confident about as either a man or a woman; knowing about well-established and highly reputable sex toy websites. That’s not to say it’s not healthy, just that it tells everyone that you went looking for this exact thing, you found it and you’ve spent tons of time on it when you could’ve been working to make yourself more attractive to the opposite sex to get something way better than a toy that comes in a box.

Ahahahaha; even the girls won’t fuck you!

Just so you know, the average flaccid penis is not as long as the average flaccid dildo shape. If you have a flaccid six-inch hog, you are packing. If a woman really wanted to experience the average male, those dildos would need to average around three-and-a-half inches and the erect ones would need to be six inches, but that would piss off women like Lauren who have become accustomed to thinking that dicks are analogous to dildos.

Moron alert, moron alert!

You don’t wear skinny jeans. You wear mediums. And yeah, everybody notices because that’s how humans condition themselves out of shitty behaviors that are bad for survival. You modern dipshits are the ones that are effectively killing the survival instinct, which is great for someone like me who has no problem living on his own in the middle of nowhere. Instead of withering away my formative years online or reading Sylvia Plath novels, I was outside riding bikes, hiking, shooting arrows, building tree forts, playing sports and conditions my lump of a body to be able to survive no matter what. Pro-tip: if you’re fat and want to lose weight ASAP, get a friend who loves hiking, go up to New Hampshire and go section hike for a weekend or a week if you feel crazy brave.I went up a bit of a ball and came back more like a table. There’s your helpful hint for the day.

This girl: writes articles about not getting dicked, then complains when her boyfriend wants to dick her.

You don’t have a boyfriend because no man would put up with your bullshit. More seriously, any man in any relationship with a woman would find this behavior extremely weird and unsettling, especially if she copped an attitude when you wanted her to take off her fake dick to bone her. That tells me that you wanted to peg him instead of him stuffing you, assuming that he really does exist, and while some people get off on that, the vast majority don’t. Hell, it’s straight up abnormal behavior that’s solidly in the domination fetish category since women don’t feel anything from a dildo despite it being able to penetrate a guy’s anus.

I do like how her wording is chosen to make us view her boyfriend as a cock for not simply accepting objective weirdness into his life. You would react similarly if the tables were turned and your boyfriend was testing out some fake vagina. Honestly, I’d be willing to bet you would flip out harder or straight out dump him for being ‘weird’, this all again assuming he exists and I don’t know any guy who would willing tolerate this craziness.

You are a shitty friend.

Of course they didn’t, it’s something weird and stupid and those things are easy to mock and poke fun at. They didn’t ask you what it felt like because, unlike you, they likely understand that a dildo isn’t a penis. Either that, or they’re simply humoring your ridiculousness, which honestly makes them great friends, especially since they aren’t outright saying how retarded you and your ‘experiment’ is which any real friend would. The fact that you wrote this in a way to yet again shift the blame onto your friends and cast them in a negative light tells me you are the kind of girl who, when she leaves the group, everyone else talks shit about her and how they hate how much of a bitch she is.

Mad assumptions made here.

You told women because if you told a guy, they would immediately mentally file you under ‘That Crazy Blonde Writer Girl With the Ugly Leopard Square-Rimmed Hipster Glasses’, which would be subsequently found in the ‘People to Ignore Forever’ folder. I don’t even know what to make of the second sentence. Are you implying that because these girls (they aren’t women because women would think you’re a moron) are ‘original people’ because they are ‘writers’ or that they are both ‘writers’ and ‘inherently original people’; for that matter, what in the fuck does ‘original people’ even mean? Every single person is an individual which, by definition, makes them an original. It’s almost like you’re casting them in a favorable light because they’re weird misfits who think highly of you and also spend their time writing for a shitty article dumping website about hating men and doing really stupid shit because they’re ‘inherently original people’…

Oh, wait, that’s exactly what it is. God, you’re a huge tool, Lauren.

Oh, society you beautiful bastard.

It is here that the wild social justice-loving, super politically correct man-hating wench realizes how much of an idiot she is and what mess she has gotten herself into. Crikey, mates!

You unbelievable bitch…

You know what’s really sad about this? The message here, which is that people who are suffering from sexual dysphoria (not that bullshit gender dysphoria that allows shitty teenagers to make up a bunch of non-scientifically based categories called ‘genders’ that they can label themselves as to seem cool) are born feeling like they’re walking around in someone else’s skin, and that’s both terrifying and heart-breaking. Despite a good message, which is that we should stop trying to simply accept transsexual people and work to actually understand these people because they are indeed people and not just their genitals and appearance, she fucking shits all over the sentiment by saying ‘I found myself desperate to take it off and get back to normal life’.

The issue is that many people who want to make the transition are either being taken not seriously thanks to bullshit trans-trenders making a real psychological issue into a fad, the high cost associated with changing sexes and the fact that some people treat transsexuals mercilessly. And yes, I keep using ‘transsexual’ to highlight the fact that you are not part of this group unless you actually transition from a male to a female or from a female to a male. You cannot just say, ‘I look like a guy but feel like a girl’, you need to actually take the steps to transition. I’m tired of reading how people need to ‘be accepted’ because they’re ‘demigender’ or ‘queergender’ or ‘trigender’ and they suffer the same plight these people who actually suffer from sexual dysphoria. You don’t; you’re a bored teeanger to early-twenties loser who is looking for a way to differentiate yourself from the crowd. Log the fuck off and go get a hobby, like rock collecting or learning to play the saxophone.

Fuck you.

It is none of those things. You got fucking overly self-conscious because you realized how much of a goddamn fool you were to run around with a flaccid dildo in public and you’re trying to play that off as gaining an understanding of what it’s like to be transsexual or be a chick that has a dick. I will never claim to speak on behalf of any group of people the vast majority of the time in my writing, but I think all the transsexual people I know and those I don’t will agree with me on this: Fuck you, Lauren Martin. Fuck you for using truly slighted people as an out for your shitty behavior. You are the people I’m referencing when I jokingly (and sometimes seriously) suggest that part of our current population needs to be shuttled off into the core of the Sun. You are a fucking cancer to humanity and don’t deserve the fresh fucking oxygen that the trees and plant-life put out. You are directly responsible for the recent downfall of society and why it is becoming a more likely possibility that the human race may go extinct not because of nuclear war, or an extraterrestrial catastrophe, but because the dumbest parts of our species were given a medium with which to assert their idiocy and it was not curbed before it hit its exponential growth trigger.

It is nothing short of amazing that there are men out there who not only want to plug your pink-hole, but want to enter an exclusive monogamous relationship with you. I frankly still don’t believe your ‘boyfriend’ exists because you clearly sweat misandry and piss bigotry while wearing a shit-eating grin. Fuck man, at least Andrea Dworkin had the decency to try and cover some of her man-hating via the ‘Porn is bad’ angle. You, though, are the true definition of  a ‘hater’. Even worse, you parrot bullshit like that ‘women are paid less than men’ claim which has been debunked by myself and others better than me and did this whole stunt as a means to prove to yourself that men really do ‘have it better’ and women are just ‘belittled and shunt aside’ and when you found out how untrue that was and that, at the end of the day, you just came across like a psycho-bitch, you actually went out of your way to truly marginalize a group of people.

I know I said I’d continue on, but I’m not doing another one. I’m sure there’s plenty to poke fun at, but I think I’ve made my point here. That, and I’m lightly seething with how terrible of a person Lauren is. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how much shit you churn out or all the blustering and blaming you do; if you’re disgusting on the outside and disgusting on the inside, you’re just a disgusting person. Eat a bag of dicks, Lauren.