Whilst I wouldn’t say I enjoy being fairly overweight, I don’t have any negatives aside from the clinical increased risk of the standard blood pressure, cancer, diabeetus and all the other things that come with being clinically overweight. It’s also fun to meet people, especially on the court, who expect me to be a lumbering oaf only to find out that I’m one of those fat people who is also sneaky athletic. It also helps me daily to be able to look down and see something that I work to change about myself, unlike most people who do bizarre shit like psych themselves up in a mirror or perform some kind of zen yoga to make goals for the day. On the whole, I’m a pretty jovial bowl of jelly who doesn’t mind his weight being joked about. I mean, if you can’t make fun of yourself, you’re lame and probably a cunt.

Speaking of, I was watching a video by Bearing, a lovely cunt from Australia who’s quickly becoming one of the front-runners in the YouTube/online community of people who take the piss out of moronic people and stupid behaviors; I daresay he’s my favorite to watch. The video was specifically going on about how some overweight whiner at EverdayFeminism was moaning about people being ‘fat-phobic’ or some other made-up term that garbage-level writers use because they couldn’t be arsed to pay attention in high school literature classes and how we all need to change who we are to appease her. I know I say it in almost every post I make, but it really is fucking incredible that I’ve watched society go from being solely about working hard and becoming the best at whatever it is you want to be and not being afraid of all that’s needed to do so, to one that constantly cries and bitches and whines and pisses about whenever something comes in and fucks up their perfectly-kept personal bubble. Frankly, I think the asinine invention of the idea of ‘personal space’ that came about in the late 90s, which was explicitly used by parents to help teach kids to defend themselves and explain the dangers of strangers, is to blame for this on top of shitty parenting, but that’s not what I want to go over today. Today, I want to go over the article that Bearing and his wonderful gal pal Sugartits went over in this video, partially because the article pissed me off all over the place and to give some insight about it that won’t happen that often: insight from a medically-categorized fat person on a topic about fat acceptance.

Before I even dive into the article, I need to tangentially address something that tons of ‘news’ websites (read: shitty list article dumping grounds) have started to do so much that even big outlets that actually report real news have adopted as well:

A surefire way to tell how to never visit a website again.

I don’t get this. These ads circumvent ad-blocking and cookie-strangling browser addons, so they’re a pain in the ass and they directly interfere with you reading the article, which is the whole reason you’re at the website in the first place. Who thought it was a good idea to self-advertise what is essentially email spam in such a deterring manner? More importantly, why would they assume this works? I’m willing to bet that at least ten percent or more simply clicks the back button and never actually reads the article, and I’m sure these websites have metrics to show who clicks the back button, who clicks ‘No Thanks’, who does the classic trick where you either reload the page or hit the back button and then click the article again to get rid of this retarded advertisement, and who clicks to be spammed with shitty updates. The numbers can’t be that high, and I’d like to believe they aren’t as high as if they just removed the ad and let people read the content as they had intended to, free of being hassled for membership and similar shit.

My only guess is that this is news outlets still clinging onto the old newspaper standard of payment, which is fucking dumb considering it costs minimal amounts of money to put articles online anywhere. ‘But Sahltines, what about the person writing the article? Don’t they have to do research and stuff?’ If you’ve read some of these ‘news websites’ content, and some of the websites like Los Angeles Times or New York Times that also do this shit or, even worse, the ‘You have X amount of articles you can read, pay to be able to read more or we’ll bar you from visiting our website’ (which is the dumbest fucking marketing ploy ever), you’d know that you don’t have to do jack shit for research to ‘write’ an ‘article’ these days. The quotes are there because I’m obviously implying that these people are hack writers and these articles are terrible. Writing is a hobby that can be turned into a profession, which means any lazy idiot can become a writer; just look at me. However, the difference between me and a major news outlet is that I don’t harangue you to try and get you to join my idiot membership club that gains you no benefits and nets you a ton of spam in your inbox, and my content is one-hundred percent researched, original and as fresh as possible, whereas most news sites regurgitate the same shit you can find on other news sites and are filled with listicles. In summation, my content rocks and the other content is shit, and who actively reads garbage when you can read pure gold?

Ironically, this article is indeed a re-post of some article originally posted onto Bustle. I don’t know what Bustle is, but just by looking at their Squarespace template website and the fact they seem to employ a bunch of people who wear square rim glasses, their front page is garish as fuck, and they consider themselves a ‘magazine’ when the term specifically has always related to the book-style paper good, they’re off to a bad start. And no, I don’t care if the modern definition of ‘magazine’ implies a news outlet, a magazine has pages you can touch and turn, and the term implies a level of tactile response. You are not a magazine if you are online, period. You are a website; stop cluttering up the English language even more because you are too dumb to use properly differentiated words.

The article starts off with a picture of a heffer attempting to what should be a sexy sight for a man, or woman if you’re a switch-hitter, to wake up to. Rather, it should be a sexy sight but it isn’t because instead of curves, peaks and valleys, it’s just a blob with varying layers of blobiness. As a man of science, I’m kind of intrigued by how many different plateaus there are on this woman’s body because I’ve never known fat to be able to exist in a pattern similar to Ayers’ Rock or other flat-topped mountain ranges. That’s not even touching on her sausage-sized fingers or her pudding-like chin. I can only assume this is some kind of selfie of the author, Jodie Layne, and having visited her website, I have to say that this woman might actually take up more physical space than I do, which is impressive considering I am likely taller by a good bit and might weigh more; I say might because her photo on her website seems to indicate she does take hefty amount of volume. I would say a fun game would be how many fat jokes I just made in the last paragraph, but I don’t want my beautiful readers to get alcohol poisoning, so limit yourself only to one, two if you went to the article on Bustle and saw the picture because you’ll need something to help you deal with the aftershock.

Anyways, let’s pick apart the opening:

This past week, it’s seemed impossible to click on anything or browse any social media platform without running into a reaction to comedian Nicole Arbour’s fat-shaming video. As most of us know by now, it was full of hateful words that mocked the pain of and stripped the humanity from others. At its best, it was unoriginal — nothing that any fat person hasn’t heard a million times before. What the video did do, however, was remind me of the importance of educating the masses on fat-shaming in general.

I managed to do this without a problem, which tells me you have a ton of friends who were offended by an attempted comedy video made by a garbage-tier comedienne, or that you don’t have a lot of interests like I do and are probably spending way too much time on social media instead of actual things, like walking around or riding a bike or other shit that doesn’t involve your iPhone. Also, you can’t strip humanity away from a human. You have humanity by simply being human; that’s the only bar you need to pass to get it. And no, it’s not important that you ‘educate the masses on fat-shaming’ in any context, be it specific or general. You only have the ability to speak from your point of view which, by default, is a highly specialized view and thus not a general point of view. If you want to whinge on about this, that’s fine, but it’s disingenuous to say you’re speaking at the most superficial level when that’s an impossibility.

A thin, or straight size, person simply can’t tell a fat person that fat-shaming doesn’t exist when there are so many examples of it inherent in our everyday language, media, and culture. Fat people are regularly shamed for their weight by doctors and told that being thin is morally superior. The oppression of fat people is very real, and it causes serious danger to our health and wellness.

First, I love when social justice folks try to pull this Jedi mind-trick and try to equate their ‘plight’ to racism against black people or bigotry towards gay people. There is no word or term called ‘straight-size’ and the author invented this to tie into the idea of gay versus straight because she is too much of a retard with a glass ego to even entertain the idea of being thin or, god forbid, fit. Second, I love how we’ve failed so hard at teaching proper methods of sourcing materials that now ‘writers’ think it’s perfectly okay to simply circle-source, or continuously source from your own previous material, to prove your point. A source is supposed to be found from outside your wheelhouse and it’s one of the biggest reasons why Buzzfeed is a fucking awful website. Constantly referencing yourself or your friends doesn’t make your point more valid; the only thing it does is tell a relatively intelligent reader that you too lazy to find outside sources to back-up your argument, or cannot find them and are doing this to cover up the fact that data does not support you. Dumping tons of links all over your article also shows that you didn’t pay attention and don’t know how to use Microsoft Word to source, annotate and footnote properly, which means you shouldn’t be taken seriously by anyone.

Third, you aren’t old enough to have been ‘oppressed’ and there aren’t enough fat people out there being shamed for it to be called ‘oppression’, you twat. Oppression happens to a large swath of people and over a long amount of time, and you probably haven’t even hid three decades of being able to critically think which firmly places you out of the time requirement. Plus, you’re from fucking Manitoba; there are more reindeer than people where you live. You can’t complain about fat people being oppressed when the vast majority of your area’s population comes from fauna rather than sentient human life.

Fourth, doctors don’t fat-shame, you retard. You are mad because your blood-work came back and your BMI was off the charts and your doctor was sternly telling you that if you don’t lose weight, you will die early and unpleasantly. However, you’re too dumb and too easily offended to see a fucking red flag when it’s right in front of your face. Finally, it’s hysterical that Jodie is claiming how oppressing fat people causes health and wellness problems, yet cannot accept the fact that being overweight is medically, scientifically and factually proven to do the exact same thing. Tool.

The thing is that fat-shaming doesn’t help people get thinner, and the stigma that it creates does more damage than good to people of size, according to a study published in scientific journal PLOS ONE. My hope is that most humans are trying to find out how to be an ally to people who are fat-shamed, and not purposefully causing harm to those around them. However, sometimes we can be accidentally fat-shaming, and in need of rethinking the language and ideas that have been continuously drilled into our heads over the years. Here are just seven sneakily fat-shaming phrases to eliminate from your vocabulary right now.

I read the article, and here is an excerpt from the methodology portion of the study:

This is what the social justice crowd considers ‘research’.

Worthless. There is no study that was done on the younger crowd and no complete control study done to provide a necessary corollary to be able to relate the young crowd data to the old crowd data. The paper bangs on about fat shaming and weight and gym class and stuff that younger people experience, and none of it matters because the data isn’t tied to them at all; it’s tied to people going through menopause and enjoying the last few rounds in the chamber before it all turns to dust. That’s also not addressing the huge red flag that it took this team of two people ten fucking years to get this thing published, even though they stopped taking data back in 2010 and redid the entire questionnaire in 2006, meaning everything from 2004 was likely a waste. It would’ve also been nice to see the layout of the questionnaire; my guess it that it was not included here because it was likely a terrible designed questionnaire.

As for the bit in the article, I’m enjoying how many parallels she’s trying to make to modern racial justice movements with terms like ‘people of size’ that directly plays off of ‘people of color’, which is a hysterically racist term that social justice idiots use constantly and completely miss how actually racist it is since it’s basically calling black people ‘colored folks’ like how they were called in the early 1900s.  And no, Jodie, I am not going to be an ‘ally’ of you and your kind. I am not going to let you invoke shitty Animal Farm tactics of group-think to try and willingly get me to destroy my own vocabulary because some of it offends you. Then again, when that crazy professor from DePaul pretty much said that these social justice people don’t care about freedom of speech, just freedom of their speech, I can see why Jodie would try this tactic.

1. “I mean, I totally get it if people are fat because of a medical condition or something.”

On first listen, this may not seem like such a terrible thing to say. You’re showing that you actually understand that the reasons bodies are fat can be very nuanced. Points, right? Not so fast. Selectively granting people humanity and accepting them based on their body size is more than a little effed up. Acceptance towards others shouldn’t have anything to do with whether they’re fat because of their thyroid. Fat acceptance has to happen with no exceptions, period.

There aren’t any nuances to being fat. Being fat means weighing more than you should for your height, your overall size and build. Sure, there’s a handful (and that’s being very generous) of conditions that aid in gaining weight, but it’s not being fat is controlled by a control room containing thousands of switches, levers, knobs and dials. It’s simply more calories in than out; claiming it’s complex shows a lack of intelligence about the subject at its most superficial level. Also ‘points, right?’ is not a sentence or even a thought. That’s short-hand lingo that doesn’t translate properly, which means that it’s poor writing. Granted, I’ve made it clear already how this is going to be awful prose, but I wouldn’t be doing my duty if I didn’t also point out where bad writing was so that you, the readers, don’t fall into the same trap.

Fat acceptance doesn’t need to happen, Jodie. The reason is because being fat, or rather, being obese, is medically dangerous. You and your friends have long left sanity that you equate obesity, which is a defined medical condition, with the term fat, which generally implies being overweight cosmetically. I am enjoying all your projection and how you think people who don’t accept the ‘fat acceptance’ movement are treating fat people as inhuman monsters when it’s really the fact that you lot are fucking lunatics and are using the same kind of tactics Mussolini did when he created his short-lived dictatorship.

2. “You’re not fat! You’re beautiful!”

This statement is incredibly problematic because it reinforces the idea that fatness and beauty are mutually exclusive. Fat and beauty intersect, y’all.People are fat and beautiful. End of sentence.

Anytime I hear or see the word ‘problematic’, my face scrunches up like Kermit when he gets really pissed because, like Kermit, this sends my Bullshitometer into the red-zone. There is nothing ‘problematic’ because at no point does it reinforce that only beautiful people are not fat. You, Jodie, made that up because you subconsciously know you are not attractive and are pissed off you are the size of a cow. This late into the game though, you can’t admit this, so you take it out on people who are looking past your flaws and seeing your beauty and calling them liars. Fat and beauty intersect on a purely individual level; they do not necessarily intersect on a general level and implying they do without being able to point to sources of art or studies on what is generally considered beautiful by the populace at large is, again, disingenuous. It is up to the viewer to decide if a person is fat and beautiful, not you. I’m not sure why you tossed the southern term ‘y’all’ in there and why you ended your statement with a command like ‘End of sentence’, which really should’ve been separated with a comma or a semi-colon after ‘beautiful’. Again, this is just really awful writing. You are in desperate need of brushing up on the basics of English.

3. “Please stop calling yourself fat. Don’t talk about yourself like that.”

Here’s the thing: Lots of people use the word “fat” as an insult. However, many fat people are reclaiming it as a descriptor that’s empowering instead of a pejorative put-down. You wouldn’t get mad at your six-foot-tall friend for calling themselves “tall,” would you? Please let people lovingly refer to themselves however they want.

Whenever I hear the phrase ‘here’s the thing’, I always imagine a fourteen year old high school freshman girl who’s trying to insult someone using it. ‘Here’s the thing, you’re dumb, teehee!’ Pet peeve I guess.

Using generalities like the word ‘lots’ when you can’t actually point at numbers is a classic social justice argument tactic, and no, it doesn’t work. It simply tells us folks who have working brain cells that you’re a liar and trying to bullshit us and that we can disregard whatever you’re about to say. If you can call yourself fat, so can I; enough of this double-standard bullshit. You people are like a beat up Oldsmobile that you have to fucking baby just to get started and keep started; it’s a wonder you can even find friends who are willing to put up with your list of irrational demands and behaviors.

4. “Ugh, I’m so fat.”

OK, wait: Didn’t I just say it’s totally cool for people to call themselves fat if they want to? Yes! If they themselves are actually fat. When straight-size people who have never suffered marginalization for being fat decide to co-opt the word, it takes away some of the power that actual people of size have over it.

When you’re simply full or feeling more aware of the space your body takes up, then say so. Don’t turn fat bodies into a joke or use the word’s negative connotations as a way of fishing for compliments. We all have body image struggles sometimes, but co-opting the word because you think it’s cute helps no one.

I’ve cut them out to save space, but the actual article is filled with selfies that Jodie took of herself. At this point, she uses the same fucking photo she used on point number one. Really bitch? You were too lazy to take another selfie in a completely different location so you just use the same one as if our brains will somehow not process that you stuffed the same photo of you twice in the same article? Unreal. I would say that time where I posted about Adam Sandler and found the web-blurb about his movie ‘Pixels’ where they linked the same video twice is worse, but considering that I have to keep looking at this bipedal hog’s pig nose and pudding face while writing this, this is definitely further down the barrel.

‘Feeling more aware of the space your body takes up’? Jodie, there is no way that you are not clinically addled because nobody above the IQ line for a high-functioning retard would say this. If my friend wants to say she feels fat after eating a half-pound blue cheese burger, she’s going to say it and there’s nothing you can do to stop her, and I’ll continue to say it once I reach the level of fitness that I want to reach. Also, it’s not ‘co-opting’, you halfwit, it’s simply speaking. This rampant sectionalization of terminology and vocabulary just so you worthless nobodies can have something you can ‘special snowflake’-gasm over is slowly turning society into a puddle of illiteracy. And again, you live in fucking Canada. You are not marginalized. Get over yourself, you fat ho.

5. “You have such a pretty/handsome face!”

Again, this seems like it’s actually pretty positive, right? Well, fat people are more than used to being praised for the appearance/attractiveness of their faces and nothing more. It’s likely been used as a micro-aggression against all people of size. Hands up if you’ve heard, “You’d be so beautiful if you lost a few pounds. You have such a pretty face!” Like, what’s so wrong with the rest of me?

 

I’m kind of flabbergasted that someone would even tell you that, since you’re clearly projecting things that have happened to you on this point, since your face is as unappealing as your body. As for your point, I’ve never had anyone comment on only my face being handsome and this includes close female family, close female friends, women I’ve dated and even male suitors while intoxicated.

Additionally, ‘micro-aggresions’ do not exist. This is because the term ‘macro-aggression’ has never been used, and you cannot have a micro without a macro. It also doesn’t exist because it is a stupid, goal-post moving term that you lot use when you want more because you’re the kind of people who will never be satisfied with anything.

6. “I can’t believe I lost 20 pounds! I feel amazing!”

Even if you’re accepting of and positive about your friend’s body and size,even if you’re not telling anyone to go on a diet, and even if you’re feeling body positive about your weight loss, diet talk is still incredibly triggering for many fat people. We’ve endured years of humans either stating outright or subtly hinting that we could stand to use a few pounds, which makes any diet talk difficult to be around at times.

It’s cool to feel happy about changes in your life that you’re satisfied with, but mentioning numbers and figures can be really detrimental to the mental health of those around you. Of course, positive self-talk about weight loss you’re happy with might be OK if positive self-talk about weight gain you’re happy with was equally socially acceptable. But how often do you really see before and after pictures featuring plus size bodies on the righthand side?

Oh wow! Whole years! What a struggle you’ve endured! I mean, it’s totally comparable to my people, who were fucking enslaved by the Spaniards for centuries until the entirety of Latin and South America revolted and kicked them out, and who are still reviled in the United States because we take jobs that people who are already citizens of the US don’t want, but they haven’t given up their racist tendencies so they don’t want us to have them, either.

Plus size models only exist because you hippos stomped your feet until you got your way. I find no plus size models, or fat models as they should properly be called, attractive, and gaining weight is a negative unless you are severely underweight, at which point it would be a clinical necessity. Way to shit on all the anorexic and bulimic people out there; you know, people with actual conditions and not your implied ‘PTSD’ which doesn’t exist since you’ve never experienced anything that would be considered ‘triggering’ and would send you into a true state of despair like I’ve seen from real PTSD victims.

7. “Oh, you’re wearing that?! You’re so brave!”

Here’s the deal: We know that people judge, mock, and shame others for their weight and appearance. All the time. If your friend or someone you know decides to go out in a short skirt, bodycon dress, or sporting a tucked-in shirt, chances are they’ve already considered how breaking society’s plus-size fashion rules is going to affect them. They know, and obviously don’t care enough to let it stop them. So call their outfit cute and leave it at that.

Jessica Kane’s bathing suit photo and caption eloquently reminded us that wearing clothing in public should not be considered an act of bravery. The more fat babes are able to just do their thing without it becoming a spectacle, the more normalized the sight will be.

Being aware of what we say and how we say it in order to be less shaming of the fat people we know and love doesn’t mean we’re not going to screw up from time to time. So if you do happen to say something that’s fat shaming, just apologize, move on, and try to do better in the future. But don’t forget to apologize. That alone will set you apart from 80 percent of the world.

‘All the time’ is a sentence fragment, you dip. So is ‘so call their outfit cute and leave it at that’. Next, if your outfit is garish, I will call it garish. I will hint that it looks shitty. You dress to accentuate your positive features, not to say ‘fuck you’ to everyone else’s eyes with tight tube tops that push your fat out at every seam.

Being obese, which is what you and Jessica Kane and all the women you’ve circle-linked to in your article, is not normal and should not be forced to become the norm. I may not think Nicole Arbour is anything but a pair of hot tits walking on some hot legs, but she’s absolutely right in the fact that you need to take care of your body because you only have one of it and you don’t get a second chance.

As for fat shaming, fuck you. I can guarantee that none of you have ever been shamed into doing anything by the simple fact that you work for a collective like Bustle. You’re all piss and vinegar because some people just don’t think you’re a hot piece of ass and you’re you have such an inflated sense of self worth that you can’t see how you could possibly be unattractive. You don’t get that kind of behavior from being shamed because shame makes you feel like shit. It makes you feel like your worthless and it knocks you off your mountain and humbles your ass. Shame, as most old people would say, builds character and those old people are right. It forces you to look at yourself, question who you are and hat you’re made of and if you have the mettle to push onward. Your massive ego is enough to prove that you have never been shamed before and, now that you’re in a world where not everyone thinks your hot shit or super special, you’re airing your pointless grievances on us because it’s easier than bettering yourself. Get bent, you fat bitch.