Last night, the house went out for a big ‘shebang’ since it’s the last time we’ll see each other for months and the last time we’ll see our foreign roommate in probably forever should he decided to never return to the States and try and connect with us. I wish it was as big of a shebang as I had hoped, but with nobody having a job this time around, we had to unfortunately party a little light. Our last stop was a local ice cream shoppe, or at least that’s how it fashioned itself; it was really more of  discount Friendly’s but with far superior ice cream.

I would like to say that the we got our ice cream, we came back and got hammered and it was a wonderful night, but if that were the case, I wouldn’t be writing this. Being born and bred in New England, I love me some sprinkles on my ice cream products, and I correctly call them jimmies. When I made my order, this naturally threw everyone off since I now live in the South with very southern folk, and nobody had a clue what I meant by jimmies. ‘No matter’, you’d think, ‘a quick explanation and everyone is on their way’ and that’s where I thought it would lie. I forgot, however, that JT has friends who are outspoken social justice types and that they are as curious as they are stupid. While the revelries were well under way, this idiot went out of her way to Google search the term and found some news articles stating that the term ‘jimmies’ was racist and proceeded to shove her phone into my face while calling me a piece of shit. Needless to say, the night was ruined, which I could’ve tolerated had I been actually trashed like I wanted to be, not still sober enough to have my bullshit radar be forced into ‘all hands on deck, retard is in your face’ mode.

In the last few years, people, and by people I mean morons wasting away at cubicles for ‘news outlets’ (read: digital trash creators) like Vice and Boston, have decided to be offended by everything. This includes things like the origin of the word ‘jimmies’, which people believe is now a racist term referring to black people by the way of the Jim Crow laws. Yes, society is filled with people so egotistical and stupid that a candy confection that originated from the Dutch was named after a set of laws that didn’t come into place until a hundred years later; fucking unreal.

For a quick history lesson, sprinkles were commonly used on pièces montées, or artsy food centerpieces that, being made of sugary goodness, could’ve been eaten but typically weren’t because the French are hoity-toity assholes who don’t like to have fun. After they realized how stupid it was to put something on a dinner table that was edible but the guests couldn’t eat, they let customers dig in and spread the wonderful sprinkles to other desserts because sprinkles are a heaven-sent gift. Later on, sprinkles made their way to the Dutch and were put on bread, because the Dutch are geniuses. Over time, the United States finally got their hands on sprinkles, either through trade or through sheer happenstance inventing, and Just Born confectionary company owner Sam Born created America’s first chocolate sprinkles, which were dubbed jimmies. Since nobody cared in the early 1900s about naming conventions, nobody documented whether or not the term was racist because there were clearly more important things to worry about, like war and economic depression. Jimmies were supposedly used on cakes and then made their way across everything, becoming the staple candy topping we know it today.

Any logical person will see that because nobody gave a shit back in the early 1900s enough to document whether or not sprinkles are racist, it would follow that nobody should give a shit now because if the inventors didn’t intend for it to be racist, then it wasn’t racist. ‘But Sahltines,’ I hear some of you about to say, ‘intent doesn’t matter when it comes to racism. All that matters is what is perceived by the listener.’ No, you retard. Intent is the only thing that matters because your reasoning allows people to ignore context and spoken/typed/auditory cues that give complete meaning to what’s being said and instead focus on what you choose to be offended by. That doesn’t mean something can’t offend you, it just means that you have to deal with being offended on your own, not simply complain that you are offended when you probably aren’t or have made a profession out of being offended because you’re busy looking to be offended.

I mentioned Boston and Vice earlier, so let’s take a look at some of the pieces they’ve put out on this ‘issue’. The first one I was able to find was from June 21st of last year by Sara Morrison. I decided to look into who Sara Morrison was and her about.me page lists a ton of different websites she’s written for, which tells me her writing isn’t good enough to land her a permanent job anywhere or she isn’t looking for a permanent home, both of which are red flags since the first says she’s not really that good of a writer to make a profession out of it, and the second indicating that she doesn’t like stability which is head-scratching because no sane person looking to make money would ever want to live on unstable income. Her Twitter makes even less sense, is filled with awful short-hand, which gives me leanings toward my first assumption about her writing quality. She also doesn’t use the words ‘creep’ or ‘gross’ correctly, and she tweets multiple times per day. The amount of tweeting she does suggests multiple tweets per hour, which tells me she doesn’t do anything during her day, or at least anything important enough to keep her off her phone.

Throwing the Psychology 101 aside, let’s look at her article.

Summer is here, which means reviving the contentious debate over whether or not a favorite ice cream topping’s name has racist origins.

When has this ever been a debate? Also, being someone who frequents places that sell ice cream products and dessert stuffs on a consistent basis, I feel fairly qualified to say that nobody, I repeat nobody, in the Northeast gives a shit about people putting jimmies on their ice cream or jimmies in general. In fact, more people are apt to buy iced coffees and frappés these days versus actual ice cream, and these don’t include sprinkles at all, ever. Seeing as Morrison is from New York, I’m surprised she actually knows about jimmies since it is an extremely New England term, and New York is not in New England. Moreover, I’m honestly baffled how this ‘contentious debate’ can be ‘revived’ when it didn’t exist to begin with.

“I’ve heard them called jimmies … It’s after Jim Crow,’’ said Carly Fishkin, 25, who grew up in Wellesley and prefers to call them sprinkles. Her nearby friend, Izak Shapiro, also 25, agreed.

First, nobody should ever take what anyone who grew up in and around Wellesley, a college town that hosts a college that is, by definition, sexist and has a huge focus on the liberal arts, seriously. Second, if you were born in New England and still live there as an adult, you are a moron and everything you say should be discounted. This is because New England is full of people who abuse nepotism to the point it is completely destroying the public education sector and the government across multiple states in the area, meaning only insane people want to live where you get taxed more money for having less and being forced to send your kids to more expensive charter schools to ensure they get a quality education, which is just overt classism at its finest, but people in New England are too stupid to realize this.

Also, jimmies doesn’t refer to the Jim Crow laws or the Jim Crow story. You would only think this if you were indoctrinated into believing something this ridiculous when you could’ve taken five seconds to Google search the history of sprinkles or paid attention in American History in your junior year of high school.

“I used to call them jimmies,’’ said Tracy Drane, 31, who, like Fishkin and Shapiro, was enjoying the frozen treat outside a Somerville J.P. Licks. “But now I call them chocolate sprinkles.’’

“It’s wildly inappropriate,’’ said Jessica Young, 21, who grew up south of Boston.

Anyone who is younger than me is a moron, by default. This is because I am a moron and I know more than them, thus it logically follows that because they know less than I, they are a moron. Also, ‘wildly inappropriate’ is used by people who don’t know what they’re talking about and just want to provide embellishment to what they’re saying to that the emphasis created by the embellishment stays with the audience longer than the actual point of which there was none; it’s a covert way to stay relevant in a conversation that I would call morally questionable since it ensures that these people stay relevant not based on merit of what’s being said but by how much controversy what’s said creates.

You also don’t call them ‘jimmies’ anymore because old people are finally dying out, and only people born in the 1920s until about the 1960s used that term in volume. I like how they say ‘chocolate sprinkles’ to try and create the ‘YO DIS RACIST’ when any sane person will know that if you say ‘jimmies’ you’ll just get any kind of fucking sprinkles. Reach harder, you retard

Yet the racism suspicions are common enough that the first-ever edition of the “Yo, Is This Racist?’’ podcast, in 2012, was dedicated to jimmies.

‘Yo, Is This Racist?’ is a show listened to by nobody. Acting like Earwolf has ever made it into the public sphere of knowledge, especially when they have been known to re-hash episode material more than once. If you have to re-hash your own material, you suck, period. It means you aren’t creative enough to present new material and, even worse, you aren’t able to provide some new insight on old material to show growth as a person. Not only that, but they’ve picked topics like ‘Teachers and Swearing’ which has nothing to do with racism, or ‘Dating Outside Your Class’ which has to do with classism and not racism. If anything, the show proves that you can just rant about any topic at will these days with zero preparation and can make money on it despite not being able to properly link ideas together. Sara quotes the show verbatim:

“If something has some sort of weird, diminutive name and it’s only applied to the black or chocolate or brown thing, it’s just gotta be f—ing racist,’’ host Andrew Ti said.

This is a man who says shit like ‘If you don’t like hip-hop, you’re racist’ and then covers it up when he goes on NPR to say, ‘Well, I didn’t really mean that, it’s just that people I’ve encountered who are racist, though I don’t actually know since I don’t ask them or pay attention to other social cues that might tell me, say that they don’t like hip-hop, so now anytime I hear anyone say they don’t like hip-hop, I immediately think they are racist.’ Sure, I’m paraphrasing, but I could make up just about anything and it would sound reasonable, especially when Ti says shit like this:

HEADLEE: But, you know, they say to a hammer everything looks like a nail. Do you feel like you may be too ready to label things as racist?

TI: You know, I do a little bit, but what I do on my blog and podcast, to some degree, is I am, you know, curating and having a discussion that is not a two-way street. And so in the face of a lot of accepting and a lot of equivocating on whether things are racist, you know, I’m just one voice saying, yes, this is racist. And I feel like my track record is pretty good.

Quote pulled courtesy of this NPR article. I would love to have that much confidence in myself to think that I’m basically never wrong. I would love to have so much ego to be able to string together a non-sentence and act like I said something.

Many have attempted to debunk the racism rumor. A 2011 Boston Globe story and aSnopes entry both declare that jimmies are not racist. Yet the speculation persists.

Of course it does, you tool. You and your dumb friends keep bringing it up. If you just shut the fuck up about it, it would go away like it should. You are making controversy out of nothing.

Below sums up exactly why these people need to be launched into the sun as soon as possible:

The non-racist origin of jimmies didn’t seem to matter to the people who have already stopped using the term. Chocolate sprinkles are here to stay.

“I already stopped saying it,’’ Young said, digging into her coffee cookies ‘n’ cream. “It’s not a particularly pleasant word anyway … I don’t think I’d start again.’’

“Too risky,’’ said Shapiro.

The rest of the article I didn’t quote goes on to say that multiple people have looked into this whole non-problem and have come to the conclusion that nobody knows the origin, nobody cares and that there aren’t any overt racist connections because there aren’t. These kids are too afraid to offend people because they were raised by parents who couldn’t get it through their thick, and likely fat, skulls that you are not allowed to not be offended. Moreover, even when proven wrong, they’re too afraid to accept change because it’s ‘too risky’. How is it too risky? Is it too risky because you’re afraid your whole worldview will collapse since you clearly base it off of things that have flimsy pretenses to begin with? If that’s the case, I’d be afraid too since I would basically have to restart my life and, at that point, the most logical answer would be suicide since I’ve spent my time pissing off people who I’ve loved and who’ve loved me and who I could’ve gotten to know simply because I was too stubborn to let different viewpoints enter my ‘personal bubble’.

I don’t give a shit if you call them sprinkles or jimmies. I give a shit that you are incorrect and you continue to perpetuate incorrectness. I give a shit that you’re too afraid to call them jimmies because I know if we ran into each other at an ice cream place and I used the term, you would immediately jump on my ass and call me a racist piece of garbage despite being one-thousand percent in the wrong historically and factually because being racist to everyone is treating ever person equally. Man, you new wave, soft-feeling, thin skinned people are the absolute worst.

Lastly, I wanted to pull a quote from Bill George’s piece on the whole ‘debacle’, because if I go through the Vice piece, which is essentially a repost of the above Boston piece, I’ll be here all day:

I admire the confidence of a moron.

Don’t you just love when someone is so sure of something that they’re exceedingly smug and condescending about it, completely throwing out the possibility that they may be wrong? I also find that these folks have fucking god-awful grammar and punctuation skills, and tend to abuse the ellipses a ton. The point of the ellipses is to shorten a gigantic quote, you butt-rockets, not supplant the space bar.

 

Boston is in the Northeast and Jim Crow laws applied only to the Southern United States post-Confederacy. Sprinkles were also not invented in the United States until the late 1910s/early 1920s because Just Born invented them. You know what that means?

It means you’re a fucking retard who should’ve paid attention in school and gone to a college that didn’t indoctrinate you into cancerous thinking. The fact you think your grandfather used this term is proof of your point is irrevocable evidence to the contrary. Not only that, for your ‘proof’ to work, the audience has to make the assumption that you’re grandfather is a racist person, which you don’t hint, imply or outright state, meaning that the second someone doesn’t make this connection your entire point falls apart.

Now, if you excuse me, I’m hungry and it’s hot out, so I’m going to get a mountain of butter crunch ice cream and top it off with a bucket of jimmies. Fuck you, Sara and fuck you Maria.